Lent

My hysterectomy was on Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Lenten season.  Although I did not get to participate in an Ash Wednesday service, I was reminded of my humanity and the effects of living in a fallen world, so I believe that sickness is a result of living in world where sin is present.  (I do not believe that my illness or resulting infertility are a result of my personal sin, though, don't misunderstand).

Lent is a time of preparation for the celebration of Easter.  During Lent, we remember the suffering of Christ and we focus on repentance and removing things that get in the way of our relationship with God.  Often people  give up something for Lent as a way to focus on Christ and to join in His suffering.

I guess the truth is--I gave up my uterus for Lent.  That could be taken in a silly way, but I find some spiritual significance to this.  My hope for children is no longer in the hands of doctors, eating the right thing, taking the right supplements, tracking my cycle, or even praying for the miracle of conception in my uterus.

I believe that God has children for us, and I believe that He needed to get my uterus out of the way for Him to do His work.  I don't know that I could have accepted our infertility and moved towards adoption (or surrogacy, which is still a remote possibility), if there was even the smallest of hopes that I might be able to get pregnant.  I know other people have been able to do this, but I'm not sure I could.  I think I would have waited, hoping and praying for a miracle for another 10, or even 20, years.  I believe God can do anything, and I waited over 10 years before I even sought medical treatment for infertility because I was just waiting on "His timing."  So, I'm sure I would have just kept waiting.

I am glad that my 4 week recovery period is during Lent.  I am glad that I have prayers and devotions that help me focus on the Lord.  I am glad that I am preparing for Easter by sharing in the suffering of Christ through my grief, confusion, and feelings of emptiness.  I am also glad to know that suffering will end...Easter will come and hope will be restored.  But for now, I accept that I am walking a dark road and that there is work that God is doing as He prepares me for the joy He has waiting for me.