Today was Mother's Day. The day that I often stay in bed, avoid church, and just cry all day.
For me, it's more than just not having children. Our only pregnancy ended in miscarriage 12 years ago, on Mother's Day. I was so excited that day to be able to celebrate becoming a mother, instead of focusing on the grief I was feeling since my mom died just 3 years before. We skipped church that morning, went for brunch (surrounded by other celebrating families) and then went to Hershey's Chocolate World. I realized I was having problems during our celebrations that day. The miscarriage fully happened a few days later when I was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery, but I believe that the pregnancy ended that Mother's Day.
Last year, we were just beginning our fertility treatment. I was so hopeful that by this year, I would either be holding our baby or pregnant. I really believed that God had opened the door for us to be able to have treatment so He could answer our prayers.
I can hardly believe that a year later, here I sit, not only childless, but without the ability to even get pregnant. Ever.
All of this makes me miss my mom so much. I wish she were here to help me through this grief. What I really need right now is someone to mother me and take care of me. I feel so lost without her.
