- I'm not real good about blogging.
- I often think of this blog,
- But I so often just want to avoid thinking more about infertility.
- So, what's happened this month?
- I grew lots of tiny follicles,
- But none big enough to ever lead to ovulation.
- So, after 18 days of meds, the doctor cancelled this cycle.
- Now, I'm taking meds to help induce my period.
- Hopefully.
- (Not that I really want to have my period).
- Work has been very difficult and stressful this month.
- I feel like I have one patient
- (although I usually have several at a time)
- Because this one patient is in a life-or-death battle with herself.
- Caring so much for her is painful for me.
- But I'm not going to give up.
- And I'm so thankful for my team at work who provides the support I need.
- We went to an outdoor music festival last weekend,
- And it was wonderful.
- I miss it.
- I started seeing a chiropractor this week for neck pain and hand numbness.
- I kinda love my chiropractor,
- Even though my pain is not gone yet,
- I believe that she will help and it will go away.
- My car broke down this month,
- But it looks like it is going to be fixed soon.
- It will likely take all of our savings to pay for the repair.
- But buying a new car would have also taking all of our savings.
- I worry that we won't ever have children,
- That we will never be able to purchase a house,
- That we will never been able to pay off our debts.
- I'm glad we had some savings,
- But I'm sick that we will have to start over.
- I certainly didn't envision my life being like this.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Michelle's World
Monday, July 4, 2011
Not Sure.
I am sure that I am not pregnant this month. In fact, I've already started injecting my 3rd month of meds and I'm going in for my four day US tomorrow morning.
Last week, my dear friend texted me, wondering what God, with His good character, is doing in my life in this time of waiting. The question (but not my friend and her pure intention) made me angry. I don't know what God's doing. No clue.
And I was (mostly) okay with that until this question, with all of its baggage, came into my awareness.
Growing up, in Bible college, and in churches I attended in my twenties, I was taught to seek God and His will. I was taught to think in black-and-white, right-and-wrong answers. I was taught that God "teaches a lesson, then gives a test (to see if you've learned the lesson, and if you didn't then He'll keep teaching you the same lesson, until it gets through your thick skull)."
I no longer believe that there is ONE right answer, ONE right lesson to be learned, ONE right path of God's will in my life. God sent Jesus so I could have a relationship with Him, not so I could be "right" or "sinless" or "never mess up." Not everything I encounter in life is meant to be some secret message from God that I need to decode.
Is God working? Yes. Does He love me? Yes. Do I need to know what He's doing? No. Will not figuring out His secret message to me going to cause Him to withhold His love or blessing from me? No.
I hope that I can be surrendered to God, without having to experience the anxiety involved in trying to figure out how to be "right and not wrong." I hope that I am surrendered to God. I don't think it's primarily about "His work in my life," anymore though; I think it's about being surrendered and being in relationship with Him. Period.
Last week, my dear friend texted me, wondering what God, with His good character, is doing in my life in this time of waiting. The question (but not my friend and her pure intention) made me angry. I don't know what God's doing. No clue.
And I was (mostly) okay with that until this question, with all of its baggage, came into my awareness.
Growing up, in Bible college, and in churches I attended in my twenties, I was taught to seek God and His will. I was taught to think in black-and-white, right-and-wrong answers. I was taught that God "teaches a lesson, then gives a test (to see if you've learned the lesson, and if you didn't then He'll keep teaching you the same lesson, until it gets through your thick skull)."
I no longer believe that there is ONE right answer, ONE right lesson to be learned, ONE right path of God's will in my life. God sent Jesus so I could have a relationship with Him, not so I could be "right" or "sinless" or "never mess up." Not everything I encounter in life is meant to be some secret message from God that I need to decode.
Is God working? Yes. Does He love me? Yes. Do I need to know what He's doing? No. Will not figuring out His secret message to me going to cause Him to withhold His love or blessing from me? No.
I hope that I can be surrendered to God, without having to experience the anxiety involved in trying to figure out how to be "right and not wrong." I hope that I am surrendered to God. I don't think it's primarily about "His work in my life," anymore though; I think it's about being surrendered and being in relationship with Him. Period.
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