Disappointment--A Broken Car and a Broken Uterus

Do you remember when my car broke down in July?  Well, it's still in the shop.  It's been one thing after another, and now the mechanic is waiting for a friend who is a specialist to look at it.  The mechanic has been very generous, and has knocked off hundreds of dollars from the bill because what he originally thought was wrong was not the whole problem.  Even though he's had it for 4 months and replaced the entire, our bill is only going to be around $1200.  Because of how generous he's been and kind, we don't get mad at him for taking so long.

However, I realized last night that waiting for my car feels very similar to how infertility feels.  Both are such a roller coaster of hope and disappointment.

And I'm starting to believe that neither situation will ever work out.  And, in both situations, if we could just know what was going to happen, we could make decisions about how to move forward.

For instance, if we knew that the next fertility treatment would definitely give us a baby, we would do it.  But if the next one fails, we always wonder if we would have been successful with one more try.  And with the car, we rationalized that if we could get it fixed, we would still be saving money over buying a new car, but now it's still not fixed.  We don't want to give up and buy a new car because just as soon as we do, the mechanic will have figured out the last little problem (making sure it starts consistently is the only problem at this point!), and we would have bought another car for no reason (nevermind that buying a car would take our saving which we plan to use to pay the mechanic).

I started 2011, thinking that if we could go to a fertility specialist, we'd get treatment and have a baby. That didn't happen.  I took, the car to the mechanic thinking he'd fix it in a couple of weeks and I'd have it back.  That hasn't happened yet either.

I'm tired of disappointment.  I'm trying to fight the lies in my head.  I'm trying to beat back depression with a big stick of Truth.  But I'm so tired.  I know God is working, but I don't understand Him at all.