Back to Work

Four weeks ago today, I had my surgery, and today I went back to work.  I didn't want to go.  I don't really feel ready to be there, but it was time to return.  I didn't cry, but I fought tears all day. I was hugged and cared for and told that I was missed.  People understood that it was hard to come back.  Overall it went well.

Many of my fears related to adoption are a result of my work as a mental health therapist on a child/adolescent inpatient psychiatric unit.  I work with a lot of adopted kids.  I've seen what early trauma and poor attachment can do, not only to the child, but to families...families who waited for children for years and (I can imagine) were excited and happy to finally have a child of their own.  Families who have loved and cared for and worked hard to help their child overcome the early difficulties that the child had. 

But, sometimes the difficulties remain.  Sometimes the parents become angry with the child for putting them through years and years of trials.  Sometimes the parents put up their defenses because they are tired of getting hurt.  Sometimes the exposure to drugs in utero or poor prenatal care or neglect or abuse have hindered the appropriate development of the child's brain...not anything that could be seen on a brain scan, but can be seen in their behavior, which often becomes more worrisome as the child gets older.  Sometimes the child hates the parents and wants to hurt them.

Of course, I know that the parents usually still love their child, despite these struggles, even if they are all hurting at the moment.  But the heartbreak of not being able to have children like most of the people in the world, and then the repeated heartbreak of the effects the child's early development has on their behavior...I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Today, my first day back, I only had sessions with two families.  One was adopted from foster care, the other was a biological child.  The teenagers' behavior was similar.  Their parents worries were similar.  The hurt, the pain, the frustration, the fear...all very similar between these families. 

And I realized, there are no guarantees.  Adopted children may have emotional and behavioral problems.  Biological children may also have emotional and behavioral problems. 

I still have fears, and I'm not ready to make any decisions about how we might build our family.  But it was good to have these two families to work with on my first day back because it gave me a little bit of perspective.

Then, this evening, I read this prayer, which is my prayer tonight:

Thank you, my God, for your care and protection this day, keeping me from physical harm and spiritual ignorance.  I now place the work of the day into Your hands, trusting that you will redeem my mistakes, and transform my accomplishments into works of praise.

And now I ask that You will work within me while I sleep, using the hours of my rest to create in me a new mind and heart and soul.

May my mind, which during the day was directed to my work and activities, through the night be wholly directed to You.

--(Jacob Boehem, as written in Eastertide: Prayers for Lent Through Easter from The Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle, p. 132)