Advent I

I don't love Christmas, and I've struggled with this the past few years.  Today I think I'm beginning to understand why.

On the way to church this morning, I started thinking about how much I love Advent and how heartbroken I am to be celebrating another Christmas without a child.  I thought about the reasons why I love Advent, especially as I remember the Hebrew people who lived in a world without the Light of their Messiah.  They had hope, but often felt hopeless.  They trusted God, but often could not understand what He was doing.  They trusted that He had a plan, but it was very confusing.  I'm sure they even felt angry with God for not sending the Promised Messiah soon enough to save them from their suffering.

I realized that infertility often causes many of these same thoughts and feelings in me.  I feel hopeless, angry, confused, and disappointed.  At the same time, I feel hopeful, trusting, and expect to see God fulfill the desire that HE put in my heart.  

Maybe one of the reasons I love Advent is because I know about waiting for a child to be born.  I know what it feels like to think God is taking too long to fulfill His promise.  I know what it feels like to sit in the darkness of depression, despair, and hopelessness, and beg God to just fulfill the desire of my heart and fill it with His Light.

I hope that this Advent season, God will fill my heart with His Light, even if He does not fill my womb or my arms with a child.  And I will allow the dark, quiet, hope and expectation of Advent to be my comfort.  It is a time when it is okay to be sad.  It is okay to slow down and rest.  Our priest read from a devotional today that Advent is not a time of joy and happiness, but a time of wailing and sobbing.  That's where I am.  And that's okay.  

The time of joy and happiness will come as promises are fulfilled, and they will be.  Obviously, I don't expect our child to save us or to be a Messiah, but the emotions of my experience are ones that I believe were similar for the Hebrew people.  

And in a few short weeks, we will begin the Christmas season, and I hope that by then, God will have grown the joy and happiness of Christmas in my heart.  But right now, I guess I'm going to allow Him to do His Advent-work in me, and part of the process of getting to the joy and happiness includes the wailing and sobbing.

Disappointment--A Broken Car and a Broken Uterus

Do you remember when my car broke down in July?  Well, it's still in the shop.  It's been one thing after another, and now the mechanic is waiting for a friend who is a specialist to look at it.  The mechanic has been very generous, and has knocked off hundreds of dollars from the bill because what he originally thought was wrong was not the whole problem.  Even though he's had it for 4 months and replaced the entire, our bill is only going to be around $1200.  Because of how generous he's been and kind, we don't get mad at him for taking so long.

However, I realized last night that waiting for my car feels very similar to how infertility feels.  Both are such a roller coaster of hope and disappointment.

And I'm starting to believe that neither situation will ever work out.  And, in both situations, if we could just know what was going to happen, we could make decisions about how to move forward.

For instance, if we knew that the next fertility treatment would definitely give us a baby, we would do it.  But if the next one fails, we always wonder if we would have been successful with one more try.  And with the car, we rationalized that if we could get it fixed, we would still be saving money over buying a new car, but now it's still not fixed.  We don't want to give up and buy a new car because just as soon as we do, the mechanic will have figured out the last little problem (making sure it starts consistently is the only problem at this point!), and we would have bought another car for no reason (nevermind that buying a car would take our saving which we plan to use to pay the mechanic).

I started 2011, thinking that if we could go to a fertility specialist, we'd get treatment and have a baby. That didn't happen.  I took, the car to the mechanic thinking he'd fix it in a couple of weeks and I'd have it back.  That hasn't happened yet either.

I'm tired of disappointment.  I'm trying to fight the lies in my head.  I'm trying to beat back depression with a big stick of Truth.  But I'm so tired.  I know God is working, but I don't understand Him at all.

Michelle's World

• Still on break from treatment.
• I got my period 2 days ago,
• But I can't do treatment this cycle because I am travelling the next couple of weeks.
• This week, we are going to Kentucky for my (baby) brother's wedding.
• And next week, I'm going to Level 2 of School of Healing Prayer.
• So, I'm just trying to survive the pain,
• And not use up my pain pills too quickly.
• I need a refill before my next period.
• My car is still broken.
• Which is very frustrating.
• Thankfully, my in-laws are very generous and have been allowing me to use their second car.
• Leaving them with only one, 
• Which isn't really convenient for them.
• But they want me to use their car for now.
• My long-term patient left a week ago.
• She was doing much better when she left.
• I've continued to pray for her.
• I may always worry about her.
• I hope she is doing well.
• I joined Wei.ght Watc.hers a month ago.
• I've really changed how I eat.
• Most of the food I eat now is whole, fresh food.
• And for the past two weeks,
• I've been getting up 30 minutes early and exercising!
• I feel amazing, physically,
• And very proud of myself!
• I know that I need to get healthy to be a mom.
• If the last IUI cycle doesn't work,
• Maybe things will get better if I lose weight.
• I hope the last cycle works though.
• I really want to have a child, 
• So I can be a mom,
• So I can have a family,
• So I can raise and care for a person.

Stress

I'm having a hard time keeping up with this blog.  Fertility treatment is not going well.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster.  For instance, on Tuesday morning, at my 7dpiui appointment, the doctor counted 9 follicles, which means at least several of them probably produced eggs.  I was happy, although slightly freaked because my chances of having multiples with that many follicles is high.  By 2:00 that afternoon, though, I found out my progesterone level that morning was only 5.4...which is terrible, especially with 9 follicles that should have been corpus luteum by then and producing tons of progesterone.  And all hope for this cycle was gone...especially when I started spotting the next morning and then full fledged period by Thursday morning.

And now, three weeks after my last period, I'm once again trying to endure the pain (hopefully this time without a trip to the ER for IV na.rco.tics to manage the pain).  I can't even say it was "last month's" period that was my most painful ever...because this is my second period in August.

I'm taking a 2 month break from treatment before I go back to have my last IUI cycle.  I'm relieved that the doctor recommended this because I'm worn out.

Research has shown that the stress of infertility is equal to the stress of having cancer or heart disease.

Michelle's World

• I'm not real good about blogging.
• I often think of this blog,
• But I so often just want to avoid thinking more about infertility.
• So, what's happened this month?
• I grew lots of tiny follicles, 
• But none big enough to ever lead to ovulation.
• So, after 18 days of meds, the doctor cancelled this cycle.
• Now, I'm taking meds to help induce my period.
• Hopefully.
• (Not that I really want to have my period).
• Work has been very difficult and stressful this month.
• I feel like I have one patient
• (although I usually have several at a time)
• Because this one patient is in a life-or-death battle with herself.
• Caring so much for her is painful for me.
• But I'm not going to give up.
• And I'm so thankful for my team at work who provides the support I need.
• We went to an outdoor music festival last weekend,
• And it was wonderful.
• I miss it.
• I started seeing a chiropractor this week for neck pain and hand numbness.
• I kinda love my chiropractor,
• Even though my pain is not gone yet,
• I believe that she will help and it will go away.
• My car broke down this month,
• But it looks like it is going to be fixed soon.
• It will likely take all of our savings to pay for the repair.
• But buying a new car would have also taking all of our savings.
• I worry that we won't ever have children,
• That we will never be able to purchase a house,
• That we will never been able to pay off our debts.
• I'm glad we had some savings,
• But I'm sick that we will have to start over.
• I certainly didn't envision my life being like this.

Not Sure.

I am sure that I am not pregnant this month.  In fact, I've already started injecting my 3rd month of meds and I'm going in for my four day US tomorrow morning.

Last week, my dear friend texted me, wondering what God, with His good character, is doing in my life in this time of waiting.  The question (but not my friend and her pure intention) made me angry.  I don't know what God's doing.  No clue. 

And I was (mostly) okay with that until this question, with all of its baggage, came into my awareness.

Growing up, in Bible college, and in churches I attended in my twenties, I was taught to seek God and His will.  I was taught to think in black-and-white, right-and-wrong answers.  I was taught that God "teaches a lesson, then gives a test (to see if you've learned the lesson, and if you didn't then He'll keep teaching you the same lesson, until it gets through your thick skull)."

I no longer believe that there is ONE right answer, ONE right lesson to be learned, ONE right path of God's will in my life.  God sent Jesus so I could have a relationship with Him, not so I could be "right" or "sinless" or "never mess up."  Not everything I encounter in life is meant to be some secret message from God that I need to decode.

Is God working? Yes.  Does He love me?  Yes.  Do I need to know what He's doing? No.  Will not figuring out His secret message to me going to cause Him to withhold His love or blessing from me?  No.

I hope that I can be surrendered to God, without having to experience the anxiety involved in trying to figure out how to be "right and not wrong."  I hope that I am surrendered to God.  I don't think it's primarily about "His work in my life," anymore though; I think it's about being surrendered and being in relationship with Him.  Period.

One week--Slightly hopeful?

I went to the clinic this morning to have a progesterone level drawn and an ultrasound to confirm ovulation.  The ultrasound looked good.  I don't even have any cysts this month, which is wonderful news!  My endometrial lining is 10 mm, which is also wonderful.  I don't know what the progesterone level is because the blood was just being sent to the lab as I left the clinic, but I will email the nurse and find out in the next couple of days.

Today, I'm allowing myself to feel a bit hopeful.  I also feel nauseous, but that may be due to the ongoing URI that I have (the drainage could just be upsetting my stomach).  There is no way of knowing if I'm pregnant or not until next week, so the wait continues.  I think I will let myself feel hopeful this week though, because feeling hopeless and worried is not helpful or fun.

As Sean and I were washing dishes a little while ago, I told him that I would like to have a baby belly by the time my brother gets married in October.  How great would that be?!

1. 

I've been reading ConversionDiary.com for at least a year now. I am fascinated by Catholicism, and really wish I could be Catholic.  There are a few issues that keep me from making that change, but I've learned so much from Jennifer and Catholicism over the past few years.  I am Episcopalian, which is "almost" Catholic (sorta).

2.

I went back to work today after being out sick for the past 3 days.  I'm pretty sure I still had a bit of a fever, but I was going to go crazy if I had to stay home one more day.  And, of course, I went back to chaos.  I work at a psychiatric hospital, though, so chaos is the norm.

3.

My husband is sick now, too.  We are going to stay home this weekend.  Unfortunately, our computer with all our movies and tv shows on it died.  As in, it won't even power up.  I'm not sure how we are going to fill our sick-stay-home-and-try-to-get-better-before-Monday weekend under these circumstances.  We might not both survive the weekend.

4.

I do have to leave the house on Sunday morning to go to the fertility clinic...at 7:30 am. Argh.  Sunday will be 7dpiui, so time for my progesterone level and ultrasound to check for cysts.  Woohoo.

5.

I used to blog regularly...as in several times per week.  Obviously, that has not been happening on this blog.  But I'm going to try to be better about it.  One thing I don't like about blogging, though, is that you can't see my facial expressions.  I use my eyes and facial expressions to communicate so much, and I feel like about 50% of my communication ability is lost here. (If I remember correctly, research indicates that 80% of communication is non-verbal, and only 20% is verbal).

6.

If that's true...if 80% of communication is non-verbal, what is going to happen to human relationships as our communication is increasingly expressed through verbal (written or spoken) means.  Maybe technology is causing us to have less communication rather than more.  More of us will likely have difficulty with non-verbal communication like people with developmental disabilities (like autism and Aspergers)...maybe they are actually more functional in our technological world than those of us who do not have these "disabilities."  (This is all stream-of-consciousness, and not fully thought out ideas...I'm just 'wondering' about things).

7.

I've spent some time reading infertility blogs this week while I've been home, and I've learned so much.  I'm torn about whether or not I should try to develop relationships with others who are struggling with infertility.  I do have a couple of local friends who struggle with infertility, but I'm mostly referring to the larger pool of people accessible through blogs and message boards.  Obviously there is much support to be gained, but what happens when someone gets pregnant?  How does that change those relationships?  I'm a pretty quiet person who prefers a few close relationships over many superficial relationships, so if I started building relationships with others and then we couldn't be close anymore because our life-stage/style changed, I would really have a difficult time with that.

Bleh.

Well, I've finished one cycle of IUI, which did not work, and completed the medication and ins.emination portion of the second cycle.  I'm almost finished with my first week of the 2 week wait.  I've been sick with a horrible cold all week.  Stuck at home due to an extremely sore throat and an endlessly running nose.  I am planning to return to work tomorrow.

I've felt disconnected from this cycle of IUI.  I have had such little hope that it would work.  Ever.  I've often thought, "Pregnancy doesn't happen for women like me."  I'm not sure what I mean when I think that.  Women who have waited 11 years to pursue treatment.  Women who have waited 11 years for a baby.  Women whose moms died when they were teenagers.  Women who have so much student loan debt, which will require them to continue working even though their hearts long to be home with their long awaited child/ren.

Maybe I'm feeling disconnected because I am disconnected from this cycle.  Last month, I focused my time and energy on positive thinking and trying to understand and analyze the process.  Which, obviously, failed.  I don't know if I can take the roller coaster of hope and disappointment each month.  Even though my infertility journey has been 11 years long, I've not often focused on it for more than a couple of months at a time because I just didn't know what to do.  I didn't have health insurance to even talk to a doctor about it.  Nevermind having money to pursue fertility testing and treatment.

And now I feel like I'm so old to be beginning this process.  I'm angry that I didn't have the ability to pursue the testing and treatment when I was younger.  And I'm angry that if I don't get pregnant during this research study, I doubt we will be able to pursue further treatment (remember the student loan debt mentioned above?).

I'm scared to hope.
I'm scared not to hope.

Will I...?

"Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?"
~Jonathan Larson, Will I?, Rent


This song has been going over and over in my mind this morning.  Mothers' Day.


My mom died almost 14 years ago.
Our baby, Ryanne, died in utero 11 years ago...on Mothers' Day.
We are still waiting for our child(ren) 11 years later...11 years of infertility.


Tomorrow, we begin our first IUI cycle.  I'm hopeful.  I'm scared.  I'm worried.  I'm excited.


I can't believe that this is my life.
I can't believe that we have infertility.
I can't believe that it's been 11 years since we lost Ryanne.
I can't believe that we have the opportunity to have IUI.


I'm trying to remain positive, and remember that even if this doesn't work, then we will at least have more information than we had before.  But I'm pretty sure I will be a wreck if we don't get pregnant in the next few months.


I'm trying to read only positive, success stories.  Often clicking off webpages where people talk about failed IUIs.  I'm listening to Circle+Bloom's mind/body meditations.


I wonder...
Will I lose my dignity?  Maybe.  Every time I sit in the office "undressed from the waist down" waiting for the doctor...every time I put my feet in the stirrups and slide all the way to the edge of the table...slivers of my dignity break away.  Will it all be gone?  How will I survive in tact?  I'm not sure, but I know that this is what I have to endure if we want to have children.  "And to think, some people who want to have a baby only need to make love," Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home, 12.


Will someone care?  Right now, I do feel as though there are many people who care.  I have numerous people who are praying for me and encouraging me.  How long will this last?  I'm not sure.  I know that over time, people get tired of hearing bad news.  I hope that we do get pregnant and people will continue to be encouraging and supportive, rather than having to tell people bad news which is discouraging to them and causes them to need to back away from me.


Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?  The truth is, I know that there are worse nightmares than being infertile.  I know that having a miscarriage is a worse nightmare.  I know that giving birth to a stillborn child is a worse nightmare.  I know that having an ill child is a worse nightmare.  I know that losing a child is a worse nightmare.  I want to wake from infertility and avoid these other types of nightmares.


My heart is hurting today.
I want my mom.
I want to be a mom.
Hopefully, by next Mothers' Day I will have some healing for my hurting heart.

Hope

My diagnosis of PCOS has been discontinued.  My hormone levels indicate that everything is normal.  This is great news, except now our diagnosis is "unexplained infertility."

"Unexplained" does not mean "there's no reason."  It just means "We don't know the reason."  Under most circumstances this would be very difficult news.  However, this 'diagnosis' qualifies us for a clinical research study for women with unexplained infertility.  It will allow us to receive treatment, including IUIs in the hopes of achieving pregnancy.  We are not yet officially in the study, but we are pre-qualified, so it looks good.

Our friends, who have experienced years of infertility and treatments, have now adopted a baby who was born yesterday!  God's guidance and leading led to this miracle child.  The story is theirs, but it gives us hope.  Hope that God has not forgotten us, and that He continues to have a plan for the desire to have children...a desire He placed in our hearts.

Every 28-35 days

Disappointment.
Pain.
Agony.
Curled in a ball.
Medicine every 4 or 6 hours.
Boxes of tampons.
Exhaustion.
Worry.
Questioning--
     Can I cope?
     Is there hope?
     Should I give up?
     How much longer?
     Am I a wimp?
     What is wrong with me?
     What's the point?
...Do I give up now and end the pain?
...Or do I continue to endure month after month,
       Hoping that may next month will be THE month.

My Mommy

Today, I miss MY mommy.

I think it is so unfair that I don't have my mom AND I don't get to be a mom.

She would have been 53 this month, if she were still alive.

But, she never even got to be 40.

I want my mommy.

Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be okay because she's gone.

Facebook

I've known infertile women say that Facebook is one of their triggers, but I never really understood that until today.  As I scrolled down my news feed, I saw pictures of new babies, posts about diaper sales, pictures of pregnant bellies, and status updates about the cute things people's children did or said.

Usually that all does not bother me.

But for some reason, it does today.

I've dealt with infertility for almost 11 years, but have been able to ignore it most of the time.  Now that I'm seeking answers and treatment, I can't ignore it anymore, and I feel the jealousy that others have told me about.

I know that I have a loving Father, who created the world, and holds the entire world in His hand.  I know that, with Him all things are possible.  Usually, I trust that He loves me and gives me good things.  I still trust that today, although there are times when my trust and faith waver.

I don't know why He doesn't miraculously open my womb and give us children.

I didn't do anything wrong to cause the condition(s) that have prevented us from having children.  In fact, I believe that the miscarriage that I had almost 11 years ago led to some of the problems that I'm having today.  That certainly wasn't my fault.  So I know that I'm not being punished.

I don't understand why some people have many children easily, and so many others, like myself, struggle.  I don't understand...but I'm sure it would hurt, even if I did understand.

Friday Felicities (Edition 1)

Things That Make Me Happy

~My sweet kitten, Bronte.

~Flowers from my husband.

~Being able to joke with my co-workers.

~Seeing my clients have increased insight and understanding.

~When a child grabs my hand while we are walking together.

~Red nail polish.

Baby Day at Work

Today was (unintentionally) baby day at work.  One of my co-workers brought her newborn in for a visit.  I got to hold him--he is so tensy tiny, and gorgeous.  Another co-worker had her 4 month old grandson in for a visit.  And one of my friends, who has struggled with infertility for years, is pregnant with twin girls through IVF, and her belly is growing with the babies as she's 21 weeks along.

I'm happy for these people.  I enjoy visiting with and holding the babies.  I love talking about pregnancy and babies with my friends.

But my heart hurts so much.

I'm not sure I've ever held a newborn that tiny. 
I don't know if I'll ever be able to be 21 weeks pregnant.

I don't even know if my uterus can support a pregnancy...if conception even happened. 
2.5 weeks until my follow up appointment with my RE to review my labs and HSG.  Last week was the first week I started to have hope because the HSG seemed to indicate that my fallopian tubes are open. 

But I'm scared to have hope. 
I'm tired of disappointment.
I just want to have a family with my own itty bitty babies.

Too close to home

Two weeks ago, I met with a surgeon who told me that the adenomyosis in my uterus is so diffuse, that the only "treatment" is a hysterectomy.  Obviously, without a  uterus, I can't have babies.  At this point, I don't know all the options, but considering having a hysterectomy has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

Yesterday, my kitten, my 1 year 2 month old baby, named Bronte, was spayed.  I cried when she went into heat a few weeks ago, but I cried even more thinking about her having a ovariohysterectomy.  It just felt too personal.  I didn't want her to experience pain.  I didn't want her personality to change or her to get fat.  I didn't want her to experience all the things that I don't want to experience!

Her belly is shaved and she has a tiny cut on her belly.  Yesterday, she and I stayed in the bedroom all day, so I could keep an eye on her, but she really didn't want anything to do with me.  A couple of times, when I touched her, she hissed at me.  I cried and cried, and regretted agreeing for her to have this surgery.

It doesn't seem like anyone understands how all of this has affected me.  Bronte is my 'baby girl," and I'm sure I would have been upset for her to be in pain no matter what, but with the recent suggestion that I have a hysterectomy, it has been even more difficult.  I can't imagine having an empty space in my belly.  But, now my baby girl has exactly that.  She will be fine; I wonder if I will be.