Gifts

I've been reading a book, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, and her blog, A Holy Experience. The concept is that the key to life is thanksgiving to God (although, Ann explains it much more beautifully and fully, and I highly recommend this book and her blog!).  Her life was changed when a friend challenged to her to write a list of 1000 things that make her feel happy, and she realized, while doing it, that this was her list of gifts from God...the things for which she was thankful.

I've been working on my own list this year, but only doing it halfheartedly.  However, over the weekend, I realized that I have time to write at least 50 gifts a day while I'm out on medical leave, so I've been doing that this week.

Today, I decided to write a list of 50 gifts that God has given me related to infertility, and I wanted to share that here.

I am thankful for...

1. Infertility.
2. 12+ years to focus on my relationship with Sean.
3. Being able to understand others' pain.
4. Learning more about my body and reproduction.
5. Being able to be certain that we want to have children.
6. Feeling comforted and cared for by Sean.
7. Learning to lean on each other.
8. Time and energy to invest in my clients and their families at work.
9. Time to go to graduate school.
10. Not having to worry about children when we have struggled financially.
11. Deeper understanding of God as my Father.
12. Learning how to rejoice with others even while I grieve.
13. Friendship with a couple who recently adopted, and we got to walk with them through their infertility and adoption journey.
14. Getting to know another couple who loves the Lord, and they are also infertile.
15. Meeting and spending time with friends who also participated in the research study we did last year.
16. Time to focus on my spiritual journey and ministry.
17. Learning about healing--knowing that although not everyone is cured, all are healed!
18. Sean's family has never pressured us or questioned us about having children because they understand the pain of infertility.
19. Being forced to trust God completely to give us children.
20. Understanding that the miracle we pray for is not always the miracle we need.
21. Meeting the doctors at our fertility clinic, and their compassion and care for us.
22. The nurses at the fertility clinic.
23. The opportunity to participate in the AMIGOS study, with injectible medications, which didn't work but gave us more information...without us having to pay the thousands of dollars that the meds and IUIs could have costs us.
24. The research coordinators who always answered my emails and phone calls with patience and compassion.
25. Discovering the disease in my uterus, so I could have an end to my physical pain and suffering.
26. The scars on my hands from all the blood draws are a reminder that we did what we could.
27. Motivation to lose weight and improve my health.
28. Extended time off from work while I recover from surgery.
29. The freedom to travel, move around the East coast, and do different jobs over the years of our marriage.
30. Learning that children are a blessing from God, but they are not the only measure of God's blessing.
31. Understanding that God's gifts aren't a reward for "good behavior," rather they are a result of His grace and mercy and come from His nature--not mine.
32. Time to learn from others' parenting choices and mistakes.
33. Time to learn about the importance of attachment to the growth and development of healthy humans.
34. Learning to hope when things seem hopeless.
35. Choosing to hope when things are uncertain--enjoying those moment of hope and joy without tainting them with worry of disappointment (even though disappointment always came--I chose to wait to feel disappointed until it actually happened...sometimes).
36. Getting over my fear of having blood drawn.
37. Realizing I am brave enough to give myself injections, when needed.
38. Sean's willingness to participate in the treatment process by giving me intramuscular injections, going to appointments with me, and allowing me to process my thoughts and feelings.
39. Feeling comfortable to share this journey with others, so I can receive and give support and encouragement.
40. Insurance that paid for all of my diagnostic testing related to infertility.
41. Our church where we feel loved and fit in despite not having children--an experience we have never had in church before.
42. Increased patience in waiting on God's timing.
43. Understanding that we are all adopted, and that adoption is God's gift to those of us who need a family (and that is every single one of us).
44. Clients, and their families, who tell me that they think I would be a good mother.
45. Co-workers who have allowed me to share every up and down with them.
46. A job with flexible hours that has allowed me to go to the many, many doctors' appointments I've had over the past year or so without worry.
47. My best girlfriend who allows me to share everything about my appointments and feelings with her without cringing.
48. Knowing that so many people are praying for me and have been over the years.
49. That there are numerous people who will allow me to share my honest feelings and heartache with them, and they just love me without judgment or trying to "solve" my fertility problems.
50. Knowing that one day this will make sense, and we will know who we've waited for all these years.

It is all eucharisteo--and "eucharisteo--grace, joy, and thanksgiving--always precedes the miracle" (Ann Voskamp).