Will I...?

"Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?"
~Jonathan Larson, Will I?, Rent


This song has been going over and over in my mind this morning.  Mothers' Day.


My mom died almost 14 years ago.
Our baby, Ryanne, died in utero 11 years ago...on Mothers' Day.
We are still waiting for our child(ren) 11 years later...11 years of infertility.


Tomorrow, we begin our first IUI cycle.  I'm hopeful.  I'm scared.  I'm worried.  I'm excited.


I can't believe that this is my life.
I can't believe that we have infertility.
I can't believe that it's been 11 years since we lost Ryanne.
I can't believe that we have the opportunity to have IUI.


I'm trying to remain positive, and remember that even if this doesn't work, then we will at least have more information than we had before.  But I'm pretty sure I will be a wreck if we don't get pregnant in the next few months.


I'm trying to read only positive, success stories.  Often clicking off webpages where people talk about failed IUIs.  I'm listening to Circle+Bloom's mind/body meditations.


I wonder...
Will I lose my dignity?  Maybe.  Every time I sit in the office "undressed from the waist down" waiting for the doctor...every time I put my feet in the stirrups and slide all the way to the edge of the table...slivers of my dignity break away.  Will it all be gone?  How will I survive in tact?  I'm not sure, but I know that this is what I have to endure if we want to have children.  "And to think, some people who want to have a baby only need to make love," Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home, 12.


Will someone care?  Right now, I do feel as though there are many people who care.  I have numerous people who are praying for me and encouraging me.  How long will this last?  I'm not sure.  I know that over time, people get tired of hearing bad news.  I hope that we do get pregnant and people will continue to be encouraging and supportive, rather than having to tell people bad news which is discouraging to them and causes them to need to back away from me.


Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?  The truth is, I know that there are worse nightmares than being infertile.  I know that having a miscarriage is a worse nightmare.  I know that giving birth to a stillborn child is a worse nightmare.  I know that having an ill child is a worse nightmare.  I know that losing a child is a worse nightmare.  I want to wake from infertility and avoid these other types of nightmares.


My heart is hurting today.
I want my mom.
I want to be a mom.
Hopefully, by next Mothers' Day I will have some healing for my hurting heart.

Hope

My diagnosis of PCOS has been discontinued.  My hormone levels indicate that everything is normal.  This is great news, except now our diagnosis is "unexplained infertility."

"Unexplained" does not mean "there's no reason."  It just means "We don't know the reason."  Under most circumstances this would be very difficult news.  However, this 'diagnosis' qualifies us for a clinical research study for women with unexplained infertility.  It will allow us to receive treatment, including IUIs in the hopes of achieving pregnancy.  We are not yet officially in the study, but we are pre-qualified, so it looks good.

Our friends, who have experienced years of infertility and treatments, have now adopted a baby who was born yesterday!  God's guidance and leading led to this miracle child.  The story is theirs, but it gives us hope.  Hope that God has not forgotten us, and that He continues to have a plan for the desire to have children...a desire He placed in our hearts.

Every 28-35 days

Disappointment.
Pain.
Agony.
Curled in a ball.
Medicine every 4 or 6 hours.
Boxes of tampons.
Exhaustion.
Worry.
Questioning--
     Can I cope?
     Is there hope?
     Should I give up?
     How much longer?
     Am I a wimp?
     What is wrong with me?
     What's the point?
...Do I give up now and end the pain?
...Or do I continue to endure month after month,
       Hoping that may next month will be THE month.

My Mommy

Today, I miss MY mommy.

I think it is so unfair that I don't have my mom AND I don't get to be a mom.

She would have been 53 this month, if she were still alive.

But, she never even got to be 40.

I want my mommy.

Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be okay because she's gone.

Facebook

I've known infertile women say that Facebook is one of their triggers, but I never really understood that until today.  As I scrolled down my news feed, I saw pictures of new babies, posts about diaper sales, pictures of pregnant bellies, and status updates about the cute things people's children did or said.

Usually that all does not bother me.

But for some reason, it does today.

I've dealt with infertility for almost 11 years, but have been able to ignore it most of the time.  Now that I'm seeking answers and treatment, I can't ignore it anymore, and I feel the jealousy that others have told me about.

I know that I have a loving Father, who created the world, and holds the entire world in His hand.  I know that, with Him all things are possible.  Usually, I trust that He loves me and gives me good things.  I still trust that today, although there are times when my trust and faith waver.

I don't know why He doesn't miraculously open my womb and give us children.

I didn't do anything wrong to cause the condition(s) that have prevented us from having children.  In fact, I believe that the miscarriage that I had almost 11 years ago led to some of the problems that I'm having today.  That certainly wasn't my fault.  So I know that I'm not being punished.

I don't understand why some people have many children easily, and so many others, like myself, struggle.  I don't understand...but I'm sure it would hurt, even if I did understand.

Friday Felicities (Edition 1)

Things That Make Me Happy

~My sweet kitten, Bronte.

~Flowers from my husband.

~Being able to joke with my co-workers.

~Seeing my clients have increased insight and understanding.

~When a child grabs my hand while we are walking together.

~Red nail polish.

Baby Day at Work

Today was (unintentionally) baby day at work.  One of my co-workers brought her newborn in for a visit.  I got to hold him--he is so tensy tiny, and gorgeous.  Another co-worker had her 4 month old grandson in for a visit.  And one of my friends, who has struggled with infertility for years, is pregnant with twin girls through IVF, and her belly is growing with the babies as she's 21 weeks along.

I'm happy for these people.  I enjoy visiting with and holding the babies.  I love talking about pregnancy and babies with my friends.

But my heart hurts so much.

I'm not sure I've ever held a newborn that tiny. 
I don't know if I'll ever be able to be 21 weeks pregnant.

I don't even know if my uterus can support a pregnancy...if conception even happened. 
2.5 weeks until my follow up appointment with my RE to review my labs and HSG.  Last week was the first week I started to have hope because the HSG seemed to indicate that my fallopian tubes are open. 

But I'm scared to have hope. 
I'm tired of disappointment.
I just want to have a family with my own itty bitty babies.