Will I...?

"Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare?"
~Jonathan Larson, Will I?, Rent


This song has been going over and over in my mind this morning.  Mothers' Day.


My mom died almost 14 years ago.
Our baby, Ryanne, died in utero 11 years ago...on Mothers' Day.
We are still waiting for our child(ren) 11 years later...11 years of infertility.


Tomorrow, we begin our first IUI cycle.  I'm hopeful.  I'm scared.  I'm worried.  I'm excited.


I can't believe that this is my life.
I can't believe that we have infertility.
I can't believe that it's been 11 years since we lost Ryanne.
I can't believe that we have the opportunity to have IUI.


I'm trying to remain positive, and remember that even if this doesn't work, then we will at least have more information than we had before.  But I'm pretty sure I will be a wreck if we don't get pregnant in the next few months.


I'm trying to read only positive, success stories.  Often clicking off webpages where people talk about failed IUIs.  I'm listening to Circle+Bloom's mind/body meditations.


I wonder...
Will I lose my dignity?  Maybe.  Every time I sit in the office "undressed from the waist down" waiting for the doctor...every time I put my feet in the stirrups and slide all the way to the edge of the table...slivers of my dignity break away.  Will it all be gone?  How will I survive in tact?  I'm not sure, but I know that this is what I have to endure if we want to have children.  "And to think, some people who want to have a baby only need to make love," Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home, 12.


Will someone care?  Right now, I do feel as though there are many people who care.  I have numerous people who are praying for me and encouraging me.  How long will this last?  I'm not sure.  I know that over time, people get tired of hearing bad news.  I hope that we do get pregnant and people will continue to be encouraging and supportive, rather than having to tell people bad news which is discouraging to them and causes them to need to back away from me.


Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?  The truth is, I know that there are worse nightmares than being infertile.  I know that having a miscarriage is a worse nightmare.  I know that giving birth to a stillborn child is a worse nightmare.  I know that having an ill child is a worse nightmare.  I know that losing a child is a worse nightmare.  I want to wake from infertility and avoid these other types of nightmares.


My heart is hurting today.
I want my mom.
I want to be a mom.
Hopefully, by next Mothers' Day I will have some healing for my hurting heart.