Hope

My diagnosis of PCOS has been discontinued.  My hormone levels indicate that everything is normal.  This is great news, except now our diagnosis is "unexplained infertility."

"Unexplained" does not mean "there's no reason."  It just means "We don't know the reason."  Under most circumstances this would be very difficult news.  However, this 'diagnosis' qualifies us for a clinical research study for women with unexplained infertility.  It will allow us to receive treatment, including IUIs in the hopes of achieving pregnancy.  We are not yet officially in the study, but we are pre-qualified, so it looks good.

Our friends, who have experienced years of infertility and treatments, have now adopted a baby who was born yesterday!  God's guidance and leading led to this miracle child.  The story is theirs, but it gives us hope.  Hope that God has not forgotten us, and that He continues to have a plan for the desire to have children...a desire He placed in our hearts.

Every 28-35 days

Disappointment.
Pain.
Agony.
Curled in a ball.
Medicine every 4 or 6 hours.
Boxes of tampons.
Exhaustion.
Worry.
Questioning--
     Can I cope?
     Is there hope?
     Should I give up?
     How much longer?
     Am I a wimp?
     What is wrong with me?
     What's the point?
...Do I give up now and end the pain?
...Or do I continue to endure month after month,
       Hoping that may next month will be THE month.

My Mommy

Today, I miss MY mommy.

I think it is so unfair that I don't have my mom AND I don't get to be a mom.

She would have been 53 this month, if she were still alive.

But, she never even got to be 40.

I want my mommy.

Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be okay because she's gone.

Facebook

I've known infertile women say that Facebook is one of their triggers, but I never really understood that until today.  As I scrolled down my news feed, I saw pictures of new babies, posts about diaper sales, pictures of pregnant bellies, and status updates about the cute things people's children did or said.

Usually that all does not bother me.

But for some reason, it does today.

I've dealt with infertility for almost 11 years, but have been able to ignore it most of the time.  Now that I'm seeking answers and treatment, I can't ignore it anymore, and I feel the jealousy that others have told me about.

I know that I have a loving Father, who created the world, and holds the entire world in His hand.  I know that, with Him all things are possible.  Usually, I trust that He loves me and gives me good things.  I still trust that today, although there are times when my trust and faith waver.

I don't know why He doesn't miraculously open my womb and give us children.

I didn't do anything wrong to cause the condition(s) that have prevented us from having children.  In fact, I believe that the miscarriage that I had almost 11 years ago led to some of the problems that I'm having today.  That certainly wasn't my fault.  So I know that I'm not being punished.

I don't understand why some people have many children easily, and so many others, like myself, struggle.  I don't understand...but I'm sure it would hurt, even if I did understand.

Friday Felicities (Edition 1)

Things That Make Me Happy

~My sweet kitten, Bronte.

~Flowers from my husband.

~Being able to joke with my co-workers.

~Seeing my clients have increased insight and understanding.

~When a child grabs my hand while we are walking together.

~Red nail polish.

Baby Day at Work

Today was (unintentionally) baby day at work.  One of my co-workers brought her newborn in for a visit.  I got to hold him--he is so tensy tiny, and gorgeous.  Another co-worker had her 4 month old grandson in for a visit.  And one of my friends, who has struggled with infertility for years, is pregnant with twin girls through IVF, and her belly is growing with the babies as she's 21 weeks along.

I'm happy for these people.  I enjoy visiting with and holding the babies.  I love talking about pregnancy and babies with my friends.

But my heart hurts so much.

I'm not sure I've ever held a newborn that tiny. 
I don't know if I'll ever be able to be 21 weeks pregnant.

I don't even know if my uterus can support a pregnancy...if conception even happened. 
2.5 weeks until my follow up appointment with my RE to review my labs and HSG.  Last week was the first week I started to have hope because the HSG seemed to indicate that my fallopian tubes are open. 

But I'm scared to have hope. 
I'm tired of disappointment.
I just want to have a family with my own itty bitty babies.

Too close to home

Two weeks ago, I met with a surgeon who told me that the adenomyosis in my uterus is so diffuse, that the only "treatment" is a hysterectomy.  Obviously, without a  uterus, I can't have babies.  At this point, I don't know all the options, but considering having a hysterectomy has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

Yesterday, my kitten, my 1 year 2 month old baby, named Bronte, was spayed.  I cried when she went into heat a few weeks ago, but I cried even more thinking about her having a ovariohysterectomy.  It just felt too personal.  I didn't want her to experience pain.  I didn't want her personality to change or her to get fat.  I didn't want her to experience all the things that I don't want to experience!

Her belly is shaved and she has a tiny cut on her belly.  Yesterday, she and I stayed in the bedroom all day, so I could keep an eye on her, but she really didn't want anything to do with me.  A couple of times, when I touched her, she hissed at me.  I cried and cried, and regretted agreeing for her to have this surgery.

It doesn't seem like anyone understands how all of this has affected me.  Bronte is my 'baby girl," and I'm sure I would have been upset for her to be in pain no matter what, but with the recent suggestion that I have a hysterectomy, it has been even more difficult.  I can't imagine having an empty space in my belly.  But, now my baby girl has exactly that.  She will be fine; I wonder if I will be.