Bleh.

Well, I've finished one cycle of IUI, which did not work, and completed the medication and ins.emination portion of the second cycle.  I'm almost finished with my first week of the 2 week wait.  I've been sick with a horrible cold all week.  Stuck at home due to an extremely sore throat and an endlessly running nose.  I am planning to return to work tomorrow.

I've felt disconnected from this cycle of IUI.  I have had such little hope that it would work.  Ever.  I've often thought, "Pregnancy doesn't happen for women like me."  I'm not sure what I mean when I think that.  Women who have waited 11 years to pursue treatment.  Women who have waited 11 years for a baby.  Women whose moms died when they were teenagers.  Women who have so much student loan debt, which will require them to continue working even though their hearts long to be home with their long awaited child/ren.

Maybe I'm feeling disconnected because I am disconnected from this cycle.  Last month, I focused my time and energy on positive thinking and trying to understand and analyze the process.  Which, obviously, failed.  I don't know if I can take the roller coaster of hope and disappointment each month.  Even though my infertility journey has been 11 years long, I've not often focused on it for more than a couple of months at a time because I just didn't know what to do.  I didn't have health insurance to even talk to a doctor about it.  Nevermind having money to pursue fertility testing and treatment.

And now I feel like I'm so old to be beginning this process.  I'm angry that I didn't have the ability to pursue the testing and treatment when I was younger.  And I'm angry that if I don't get pregnant during this research study, I doubt we will be able to pursue further treatment (remember the student loan debt mentioned above?).

I'm scared to hope.
I'm scared not to hope.